"I'd rather be shot in the face with a shotgun than eat out a chick. The thought of it makes me want to fucking vomit. You know what? FUCK YOU!"
-Alexis (her entire life)
"If we have a threesome though and I mess around with the chick (shudder), then can I have sex with another guy?"
-Alexis (this morning)
What has my sex life come to? When has it become one huge negotiation process? Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? Out with the boytoys and in with the constant tug of war? Mercy to all horny beings on this merciless planet! Ok. Here is the problem.
I have never had a threesome. That isn't the problem; just some background information. But, like I said, I've never had one. Surprise. And call me whatever you want, but if I had to chose, and a gun was to my head (in a non role play situation), then I'd have to go with the guy/guy/girl threesome instead of the girl/girl/guy one. I don't think that tons of females would admit to this, but you know what? Fuck it. Someone has to explain...
Reasons That I Would Rather Be In A
Guy/Guy/Girl Vs. Girl/Girl/Guy Threesome
REASON ONE
I'm possessive of my current fixation. It's a 'Crazy Lady' trait, I know, but I am such a tyrant and I'd wait until SSL was sleeping to step on his face with cleats if he ever boinked another broad. So sue me. And if you have a problem with that, then think of it this way: Say that you own a car that drives you wild. How would you feel if you woke up and found out that someone else was driving it? You would rip their fucking throat out. And if you didn't feel any tug at your heart, then I bet you're currently driving a piece of shit, counting down the days until you trade it in for an upgrade.
REASON TWO
I don't want some broad's crotch in my face. When I talk to my guy friends about chicks and the subject of 'head' comes up, I refer to it as 'sloppy joes'. DO NOT adopt that phrase because I have claimed that as my own. Why the name? Because once a guy resurfaces, his face is a wet mess. I'm not saying to stop doing it, but I'm just saying that I don't know how you guys do. Plus, I just don't want crotch juice in my mouth. Ewww. It's just the messier option.
What the hell am I supposed to do when they are busy having sex? Am I just supposed to sit there and watch that bullshit in horror? Maybe if it was a guy that I didn't care too much about. If that were the case, then he could be with another chick in front of me while I casually smoked a Newport, because I honestly wouldn't give two shits. If it got to that point, then I'd be using him for entertainment purposes anyhow, so why not? Live porn?!? GET OUT OF TOWN!
REASON FOUR
And lastly, I wouldn't want to have a girl/girl/guy threesome because when it was over, the girl might be clingy. Once I'm done having sex, I want to pee, eat, and then go to sleep. How the fuck would I find time to do that if I had to chit chat with the broad? It's not like once we were all done having sex, then she would automatically get her shit and kick rocks. The after therapy would be too much for me to deal with. And I would end up dead from hunger pains.
And as a side note: If a guy wants to have two chicks, then he's a fucking stingy ass bastard if he won't let his girly girl have two guys. And if he wants to say that he doesn't want to have any accidental physical contact with another guy, then he should sympathise with my feelings and just let me have another guy without him. Since he wants to try another girl. Fair is fair, right?
