Pugs used to be my favorite until they started reproducing like Hispanics. I see them on every corner these days like washed out hookers. Note to Pugs: The dream is over. The jig's up, tootsie. You're days in the spotlight are finished. Before they got too full of themselves and people started carrying them around like kids, I would have given my left nut (or ovary, since I'm a lady) to own one of them. I even tried to get my brother to create a diversion at a pet store once, just so I could steal a Pug puppy. And if he wasn't such a stick in the mud, I'd be giving my dumbass Pug death stares right now as it was in timeout in the corner. The Pug's offense? Becoming a run of the mill, ordinary, overpriced beotch. I hate to do this, but I guess that in hindsight, I should thank my brother. ...Just this once though.
My new craze? Between me and you, EVERY SINGLE TIME I see a French Bulldog out in public, a trickle of pee escapes me. Just a trickle. Oh my GOD. I can go on forever about these dogs. Why are they so overpriced? Why can't I find one roaming around in the streets? Why can't one just show up at my doorstep with a note around it's neck that says "Please take care of me :) "? (Wow. That got a bit crazy.) Anyways, I hate to be honest about this, but I'm more excited about the dog that I'm planning on owning in the future than the kid that I am going to have this summer. Is that crazy? Well, fucking throw a bottle at my face if it is. It has gotten so bad that I had a dream that I was in labor and a fully groomed puppy popped out of my crotch like a little rocket and landed in the doctor's arms. I woke up soooooooo happy that morning. ...I'm going to Hell for this one.
This is my plan. Outfits. I want Krueger to own more outfits than me. He will be dressed in so many different pricey outfits that it's going to look like he's walking a hobo. I kind of want an all black dog too, so I don't have to wake up one day and want to kill Kruegs for shedding all over the place. And I want him to have rainboots. And a hat. And a cape. And the best part of all? I won't have to feed or clean up after him. Ask me why...
You know how animals sometimes eat their own poop? I'll teach Krueger how to do it, too. I'll just feed him once and he'll keep recycling the same meal throughout his entire life. It will be a match made in Heaven. My lovechild Krueger in my basket while I ride my bike down to the beach and the baby will be back at home in front of the television. How else do you expect it to learn? Oh FUCK! My food really IS burning! Shit! Gotta go...
