And you might be asking yourself why I even reached such low levels of pathetic behavior to end up in this situation. You want to know what my offense was? I got knocked up. Seriously. I was at the gym the other day after my prenatal exam (which I said 'fuck you' to the nurse and walked out on. *note to readers: don't EVER go to St. Lukes. American doctors are shitfaces, but this place gets the trophy). I was so infuriated as I was leaving the hospital and had a psycho moment in the elevator. After I was done filling the hallway with my favorite choice of profanities, I side-kicked the 'down' button on the outside of the elevator. Yeah, people were around, but I didn't give a shit. They couldn't understand what I was saying anyhow since everyone at that fucking methlab-looking hospital seems to speak EVERY language EXCEPT for English. Can you imagine that? I'm in AMERICA and I have to learn another language to accommodate the receptionist, so that she can accommodate me as the patient. Unfucking real. Honestly, I had half a mind to walk right out of that cattle ranch clinic when I walked in. The waiting room was full of young Hispanic and Black chicks, bellies out to Jupiter and hands full of food. I was the only one who had the person who inseminated me present and apparently the only person who spoke a lick of English because the receptionist looked up and said:
"Que necesitas" -meaning, what do you need?
I should have walked right out. I should have. But like a jackass, I gave them a second chance. AN HOUR LATER I was called in to see the nurse. They made me pee, I stole a bunch of medical shit that I found as punishment for making me wait an eternity, and then I went to see the nursein her office. It was in her office that I came to find that all that I was there to do was to REGISTER with them. I wouldn't see a doctor, wouldn't see the kid and waited AN ENTIRE HOUR to REGISTER. Naturally, when I found out this tadbit of information, I went apeshit and left that bitch of a nurse holding my piss-cup.
Then came the side-kick...
Then came the elevator. Looking back, I'm not too sure if they had cameras in the elevator, but if they did then it would explain the security guards face as I left. Not only did he back up a couple of feet, but he looked like I was going to belly gut his old ass. Oh my God. The elevator. Once I was in the elevator, I just fucking kicked the shit out of it. For two floors, I channeled Bruce Lee and expelled a quick moment of fury filled foot damage. I haven't yet mastered his famous one inch punch, but being the height that I am, I have managed to put spectators in a state of gadzooks with what I like to call my 'Bruce Lee/Kareem Abdul Jabbar kick' (which some of you may remember from the classic: Game of Death). For short, BL KAJ gets the crowds roaring ...and dents the walls of an elevator. ...AND scares the shit out of a security guard.
So I left Harlem and went directly to Midtown. My blood was about to burst in my veins so I wanted to simmer it down a little bit. I needed to go to the gym. As I entered the gym with my 'I'm going to kill someone' face, one of the managers came up to me and said "Hey, up for a game of racquetball?" Normally, I would have said yes, but I hesitated because I just wanted to run on the treadmill. But, like any other crack addict, it only took milliseconds for me to say "YES!"
Rewind to a week before: I beat this same guy at racquetball all 4 games that we played AFTER I did my aquafit class with the old people.
Fast forward to the game: I win again. It was amazing to get all of that anger out and burn some gratifying calories in the process. And I don't want to toot my own horn, but (toot toot) I ALSO had a nice crowd watching me play, which makes me a total ham. I have had this love affair with racquetball since the age of 12. It's my game of choice.
Now fast forward to today, but rewind to yesterday: I finish my boxing class and dress to leave the gym. As I was leaving, the manager comes up to me and breaks my heart. He tells me that there is no more racquetball until I give birth. Because I am almost 6 months pregnant, I'm not allowed to play racquetball, denying me of the only reason why I even joined the gym in the first place. I don't get it. I win five motherfucking games, this guy has the entire men's locker room laughing at him and the GM of the gym says that I can't play anymore because of my obvious stomach??? What? When the fuck did pregnant broads all of a sudden become paraplegic? It's my body so it should be my choice. I'm willing to sign a waiver to play, but they won't even let me do that. Meanwhile, you've got a bunch of dumb fucks in the free-weight area who have form that would make a gymnist vomit. These people are at risk of SERIOUS injuries, yet nobody tells them that they have to stop doing what they are doing.
The bottom line is this: I'm good at what I do (even with a preggo belly), some old fuck with gray haired nuts got nervous and now I have to sit it out on the bench until 'monster baby' rips it's way out of my cooter. I hate Americans. Quote me on that. And this is just a guess, but if I know him like I thik that I do, then Marty Hogan would share my same anger at this decision. No racquetball? They really broke my balls with that one. Goddamn communist pigs.
