Yesterday I was busy floating on my back at my gym's pool (in the middle of a lap lane) thinking to myself: "I built it (my blog that is), so ummmmm... where the fuck are they (my followers)?" If Kevin Costner can, then Alexis can, too. And so I let my mind drifffffffft... The ceiling in the pool is covered by these faux stained glass tiles that eased me right into a placebo acid trip. Come to find out, I am most thoughtful on my back... IN THE POOL. And thanks to the belly, I have been my most buoyant that I have ever been in my entire life. The water swooshes past my ears and sometimes even makes it's way up my nose, interrupting my thoughts as I reflexively thrash and choke for air. Revenge, a la Nazi swimmers maneuvering around me. Apparently, the lap lane is for laps only...
Time passes and the lifeguard clears the pool of any object inhibiting maximum movement for my new classmates. That's right, people. I decided yesterday to take an 'aquafit' class at my gym. It was either go swimming or go to church. ...Exactly. So there I was in my new class surrounded by a bunch of 70 year olds who decided to skip church also. I won't even lie. It wasn't foreseen, but I was feeling pretty good to be surrounded by so much knowledge and I was happy that I wouldn't be expected to move too fast in the water. Old people do EVERYTHING slowly, even swimming. And I don't want to boast about any of my insurmountable qualities to make people envious or anything, but I've been know to move even slower than an 83 year old. So beat that, bastards!
Anyhow, shit's going great and I'm coasting through the pisswarm water like a tugboat. All of a sudden, my leg cramps up and I panic. My stubby legs reach for the floor of the pool, but I'm only five feet and one inch tall and the instructor wouldn't let me stay in the kiddie area, so I was reaching for what seemed to be oblivion. My moments alive were numbered because at that very instant, the instructor was playing a Frank Sinatra hit that got the geriatric patients in a hoopla, creating a tidal wave pool. As I swallowed more and more of their old people sweat laced chlorinated pool water, not only did I want to throw up, but I started to fade. While I was going under, the last thing that I saw was the ruckus above water. A gang of liver spotted saggy arms were making mock gestures as if they were at a White Snake concert. I could barely recognize their faces because they were suddenly contorted into the likes of radicalists. Had I not known that Frank gets this type of reaction from old people (thank you grandma), I would have thought that I was taking a swimming class with a bunch of epileptics who had thyroid issues. And that was my last thought as I was dying...
Slowly I sunk to the bottom of the pool...
Then God came to me dressed in a toga with a beer in his hand. And his hair was a mess...
"Alexis? What the eff are you doing here? This party is INVITE ONLY. Get the hell out! ...Oh, and by saying that, I don't mean go to Hell, I just mean get the fuck out of here."
So I turned around...
"Oh, and Alexis? See you next year... Haha. Just Joshing you. You'll have to excuse me. All this alcohol... It's the beer that's doing all the talking. Jesus H Christ..."
"Ugh. You make me sick. Have another one while you're at it, God."
"Another one what? Another kid? Jesus? Hey wait, Alexis. Let me fix this."
"No. Fuck this. I'm out of here."
"Alexis, please. Wait. I wan't to make this up to you. I'm going to make you hip to some Trivial Pursuit knowledge. This is a question that everyone gets wrong, because NOBODY knows the answer."
"What the fuck are you talking about, God? Really, this is ridiculous. Go back to your party."
So I turned again to walk away and I got about ten paces when on my ear I felt his breath as he whispered...
"His middle name, Alexis."
So I stopped in my tracks and whispered back:
"You son of a bitch..."
"Ever wonder why nobody could answer you in church? Jesus H Christ. Want to know what the H stands for?"
"Don't do this to me..."
"Of course you do, Alexis."
"All my life... I've been waiting for this moment all of my life..."
"I know, my child. It stands for...(ahem)"
"Yeah...?"
"It stands for...(ahem) (ahem)"
...And the next thing that I knew, I was on the side of the pool being given mouth to mouth by Andy Garcia (not the plump one that is alive right now, but the younger version of himself when he was hot) and as the ringing in my ears subsided, I looked up to the lifeguard tower in time to see Jason Statham slowly take his whistle out of his mouth as he sexily said "Everyone back in the pool. Time to get wet." Then, Jason looked down at me and winked.
As far as my class at the gym? I think that I'm going to take a break from that for a bit...
