The NFL Lockout

The NFL.  It makes and breaks lives.  As a female who does not partake in football, I am still bombarded by it's backlash.  This damn lockout has more guys pissing and moaning than a bunch of females at their marriage counselors.  The only reason why I watch bits and pieces of football games is to check out firm backsides.  I'm a butt connoisseur and football uniforms have allowed me to pretend that I'm doing good for humanity (by merely watching the games), but in all reality, I'm just making deposits at the spank bank.  In  my humble opinion, the players have become lackadaisical about their appearances.  I mean, if the cheerleaders still have to maintain their physique, then why was it that this past season, I had to watch a bunch of flabby asses traipse across the television?  HD hasn't made things much better, since now I can see every dimple in each player's ass cheek.  It's becoming a growing problem.  For the chubby chaser that I am, I wouldn't have suspected that out of shape asses would really dry me up.  But, they have.  In my opinion, the only team that still has trophy worthy asses are the Ravens.  Bubble butts, sexy struts and (wishful thinking) ...sluts?  I mean, they MUST be sluts, right?  An old wives tale goes a little something like this:  Guys that have nice bubble butts are great in bed.  Why?  Because their asses get their shape from all that in and out movement.  A guy who just lays on his back and lets shit happen usually has a flat ass.  Is this true?  You be the judge.

More about the lockout though...  At first I was so overcome with joy that my body was shaking from the pumping adrenaline.  No football?  Has God really shined a light down on me?  While ESPN made it news, SSL and I were at each end of the couch- both in tears.  His?  Pure and utter sadness.  Mine?  Sheer joy.  *(FUCK.  I have to go to an interview.  Can you hold that thought?  Give me a couple of hours.)....

I'm back.  Where was I?...  The NFL lockout.  I hate football.  Yeah, I said it.  I hate football.  It's not the sport that I hate, but what it does to males for almost a third of the year.  It's not like they don't already lack long attention spans, but then some dipshit had to go throw in a sport that totally captivates them as well.  For the entire season, guys who are into the games walk around like functional zombies.  Sure, they get work done, have coherent conversations and remember the bigger shit.  But while they are doing these things, the rest of their brain is going over stats, replaying plays in their head, making sure their fantasy football team has a good lineup, weighing the possibilities of taking out another mortgage so they can get tickets to the games and ...sex.  The sex part I don't mind, but with all this testosterone bonding, they might as well have one huge fruity orgy with all of their football friends.

So I'm happy about the lockout.  Or at least I was initially.  Upon pondering all of the things that we could do on these extra Sundays sans football, I came to the realization that this whole lockout is going to ruin many relationships- and if it gets too bad, quite possibly the world.  Aside from having Sundays to myself and doing whatever the hell I wanted, I'm also going to have to deal with a PMS-like lover.  Once fall comes around, a shift is going to take place.  Males are going to become babies and mope around the house, dragging their feet, and become bothersome.  Then they will become cranky, irritable, and act like they are all on the rag.  The DT's are going to ruin them.  I'm going to wake up in a pool of my lover's sweat, have to rock his crying ass to sleep and try to console him throughout the winter.  And I'm not the only one who is going to end up dealing with this bullshit.  Females all over are going to have to.  Either that, or let the guys become psychos and REALLY create havoc.  It's a shame that a sport that they don't even get paid to play runs their lives.  Males...  The simpler species.

At first, what I thought was a miraculous occurrence, soon shedded light as one of the worst things possible to happen to mankind.  No football?  Well, why don't we ALL just suck on some bullets?!?!