I know when I have to shit. Yeah yeah, that doesn't rank for my greatest achievements in life, but just so you know, my bowels are pretty regular. Plus, if you are aware of your own body, you can feel your ascending, transverse, and descending colon (large intestine). When all of the food is going through your intestine, if you press down enough, you can feel it's mass. Anyways, sometimes I utilize massage techniques to "help" this process out. And people? It works like a charm.
So the other day, I'm laying in bed and I feel this mass of what I thought was shit at the very end where my intestine ended. The whole time I'm thinking to myself "Holy fuck. Am I constipated? Shit!" So I go to the toilet and take a shit. Blah blah blah....
A few hours pass, the day is a boring one and so I go back and lay down again. That is what I do nowadays. Here I am in bed and there it is again. The pile of shit that must be stuck in my poor stretched out bowels. After twenty minutes of contemplating going to the ER for an emergency enema, I say to myself, "Just massage it out, retard." And that is exactly what I attempt to do. I start rubbing my belly in clockwise motions. Slowly, then a bit harder. My patience wears thin after about 5 minutes, so I start rubbing even harder. Even harder becomes very aggressive poking and prodding saying to it "Come on, motherfucker. Let's go!" By the time I have had enough pain, I go and sit on the toilet again and wait for this monstrous shit to emerge from withing my ass. And that is when it hit me like a ton of bricks...
Uhhhh, that wasn't backed up shit... That was my uterus growing bigger, making room for my miniature parasite. How fucking stupid could I be? I can't even look at myself in the mirror. (Thank God I already got dressed and brushed my hair...)
