That is what my invisible clone is saying to me right now at the foot of my bed. I'm not really paying her any mind. Last night she decided to polish off a handle of Wild Turkey and thought that it was a good idea to shit in my neighbor's mailbox. Cops found her 18 blocks away passed out on top of a Mazda's hood. She was still blurbing out obscenities about "the goddamn spike in cigarette prices" when they brought her back to my doorstep. Two months ago, I went to a vendor at the mall and engraved on one of those dog tags my address for situations like this.
That's why I don't understand why after all of the things that I have done to ensure her safety, she is barking down my throat about taking a shower. Soldiers in Nam went without showers for months and they are declared heroes. What's the difference? I want to lay in my funk. I want to marinate in it. If I'm lucky, the chemicals emitted from my body will come together, create a noxious gas and put me out of my misery while I'm fast asleep.
...Ten days ago I tripped down a spiral staircase of depression. Ten fucking days. How many hours is that? 240?!?! ...Well, it's not THAT bad. I wish that I had a more viable excuse to be in such a funk than 'I just don't like the world'. It's true though. I hate the world. Last year at this time, I was a Dominatrix at one of the most notorious dungeons in NYC. A year later, I'm 3 months knocked up, unemployed and laying in a bed full of sorrow. My favorite phrase now? 'Shoot me in the face'- and no, I don't mean that in a sexual way. Like literally, take a .357 and shoot me in the face.
I have a plan. Ok, so no, I don't. Yes, I'm pregnant. No, I'm not showing yet. So why not get a job, right? Let me break this down to all you 9-5ers out there. I (unabashedly) had to call up my friend and inquire as to what the normal pay rate is nowadays. 10-15 dollars for entry level jobs?!?! What the FUCK. How is anyone supposed to live off of that? How?! When the government rapes you for taxes and you are forced to pay your bills, how is anyone supposed to actually LIVE? I don't get it.
It's the lack in monetary appreciation that forces me to stay in bed for so long. There has GOT to be another way. How can I dick over the man without going to jail? Let me think about this for a bit. I need to be alone for this one. Didn't you hear me?!?! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!
