Taking One For The Team

Well...  SSL got what he wanted.  If you ask, you shall receive.  Isn't that how the saying goes?  The sonofabitch should have been a little bit more specific.

As of two days ago I rang in at 170 pounds... 

Being 5'1, 170 pounds is borderline TLC or Discovery Chanel material.  Just kidding.  Seriously though, I have never in my entire life weighed this much.  Thanks to this ugh... child, I have put on all of the weight that SSL at one time craved.  Deep down in his heart he is a chubby chaser and so am I, so we share each other's fetish and have an understanding when it comes to all you can eat buffets, plus size sections in clothing stores and the junk food isle in the grocery store.

Never though had he imagined that this weight was going to be due to a baby in the belly.  My doctor said that my equilibrium would be off and I'd be falling all over the place like a drunken sailor.  Not so, Dr, Doesn't-Know-Jack-Shit.  In fact, I still take all of my aerobics classes and we even still have sex.  Too much information?  Well, this might save some one's relationship or even their life...

Sex with a fat broad is quite different.  While the easiest thing to do would be to toss her on all fours, "tossing" doesn't fair too well with a beached whale.  Rolling, yes.  But, then there is the baby belly to worry about and if I had to explain to my doctor why and how the baby got squished, I'd leave town humiliated.

Then, there's the On Top position which is nice for me because then I can breathe again without my lungs being squished.  For him though, it's like everything that he thought he wanted jumbled up to one very fucked up reality.  I heave myself on top of him and all of a sudden he breathes heavier, his diaphragm is on the brink of failure and he can't move his legs.  All he sees is a huge belly and some over sized tits that randomly slap him in the face with each movement.  I feel so bad at first and then I think to myself "Alexis, if he were me and I were him, he'd do the same thing.  Just grab his hand in a loving motion and when he is not paying attention, monitor his pulse so he doesn't die of asphyxiation".  

There are a bunch of other positions that we still try (how the fuck do you think that the baby got here), but when furniture has a weight limit, it takes the fun out of things.  I would bet all of the eyelashes on my right eye that SSL never in his mind thought that sex with a whale would be like this.  He wanted me to gain weight sooooo bad when I was 125 pounds and now he's got it.  He also has bruises on his pelvis to prove it.

So the next time that you look off into the distance and ask the universe for something, be diamond-cut particular about what you want.  Let this be a lesson to ALL.  While in theory, doing a voluptuous 170 pound chick may sound nice (especially for Oedipus complexed people who crave that maternal canoodling), the luster is lost when she turns to the side and her belly sticks out farther than her ass, her tits are lactating in your eyeballs and your johnson is constantly bumping up against something, which can only be the baby's head...  (insert sad face)