Have you ever come back from the barber with the worst haircut in the world and each time you catch your reflection you just want nothing more than to reach up to the heavens and scream bloody murder? At 9 o'clock last nite I was falling to the floor, scraping my knees and reaching up with gnarled fingers for mystic lightning bolts that I would sever SSL's head with. Oh, and FYI, I was also naked when this occurred. I was sooooo angry that my eyeballs were on the verge of popping out of their sockets and veins were pulsating around my face and neck...
"Ok, Alexis. I need to do a vaginal exam. There's a drape for you. I'll be right back."
"Wait- What?! Vag exam?! But Dr. Blah blah blaaaaaahhhhh... I can't. I haven't shaved in over a month! Oh my God. I'm not ready for this!"
Then to make my misery understood by all angles, I whimpered like a pathetic fool. It worked. The doctor stopped right in his tracks, pivoted on his right foot and said:
"You think that I'm happy about this, Alexis?!" -and he walked out...
FAST FORWARD TO LAST NITE-
The trip to my doctor left me with night sweats and flashbacks that I'm attributing this new facial twitch to. I had an episode worse than the tantrum of a three year old. Having enough, I told SSL last nite to shave me. Only I can shape my crotch up with perfection, so in lieu of presenting him with an impossible fete, I just said "take it all off".
5 hours later...
My little lady down there looked like a patchwork of random wisps of hair. How the fuck did he not see all of this extra hair? Seriously. As I looked in the mirror, my face melted in sheer horror. In front of my was the worst fucking haircut that I have ever received on my head or my crotch. I had to hold back all of my anger, which might have been the reason why I was so tuckered out and went to bed early. Before that though I had to "blind shave" the rest of my crotch, almost cutting my fingers right off. Just typing about this makes me angry all over again. When I finally emerged from washing the remnants of his shit show off I took my naked ass over to him, got my nightly lotioning (he does that for me) and stared down at him with so much fury in my eyes that they started to tear up to stop burning. So now?
SSL hates when I do things nude. He is more modest than I am. I don't give a rat's ass at this point though. I have resigned myself to my original stance on the nudity subject. Sure, I'll wear a t-shirt to cover up my tits. But he can kiss me wearing pants or underwear goodfuckingbye. Since the haircut, I have been making him mentally vomit by walking around bottomless. On the couch, at the fridge, reading in bed, lunging at his throat with a knife... He's lucky this shit is illegal in public, otherwise I'd be outside showing everyone what the hell type of chop job he did. Like my motherfucking crotch was some kind of goddamn joke for him to fuck up royally. That sonofamotherfucker! He better fucking hope that I never get the chance to go near his balls with some clippers. I'll do those fuckers a solid and really show him how it feels to look like a damn sideshow attraction.
