What's that stats on Alexis' male friends? They are faggoty ass motherfuckers. Most of them are. I would never have said this, but fuck it. (My famous words) "It's life". Just today I got a phone call that I'm a little bit used to by now. Mind you, I'm not attracted sexually to ANY of my male friends. I've got one friend who has the nicest ass that I have ever seen in my life, but I worry more about him getting caught with that jewel in jail than effing him. He's not my type, plain and simple. His ass? Oh, I'd date that, but I think that I would end up just using it as a pillow in the long run.
Anyhow. Here is how the conversation went with my now ex-friend:
"Hi Alexis. I have to tell you that because I'm a pussy whipped married man now, my overweight wife (who is yelling at him and prompting him what to say) doesn't think that we should speak anymore- even if our friendship is platonic. She has become so self conscious of herself that me being anywhere near you will make her fat ass feel bad. She thinks that we are fucking on the low. But you know that I'm not into your mosquito bitten titties or mini build. I like whales, duh! Anyways, even though we have been friends for over ten years and you have done SO many favors for me and have treated me like family, I can't talk to you ever again. EVER AGAIN. Gotta go feed Shamu my cock before she dies of hunger. Nice knowing you. Bye."
And that is the story of my life. He is not the only friend who has done this to me. I've got a list of douchebags. Here it is:
*It started in high school with my friend Tom, who is no longer a douche. I'd like to attribute his actions for his age. At the time, he was dating some broad named... Fallon (I think). All that I can remember is that she didn't want him to be my friend, so I called her Phallus from that point forward.
*Then there was Vinny. He and I are still friends, but EVERY SINGLE GIRL that he dates hates when he hangs out with me. And it's crazy because Vinny fucks different chicks weekly, but for some reason, not of the dickholes like me.
*My friend with the perfect rump? I never had a problem with his girlfriends... because the dickhead never introduced me to any of them. He wouldn't let me meet them. To this day I hate that about him. What a sly douche. It's not like I would make fun of them...
*And Dan threw out all of my (not even close to being provocative) pictures when his psycho Russian mate came across them...
*Oh! and then there is #2. #2 has this broad that NEVER liked me. She hates me so much that he's not even allowed to talk to me or mention my name in their home. And what's sad is that the bitch is what my lesbo friend likes to call "a bootleg version" of myself.
*And Kenneth. His girlfriend texted me and told me never to talk to him again (which would have been hard to do because we worked together). I knew that she still had his phone in her possession so I text him this little tidbit of advice:
If you can't train them properly, then keep your bitches on a tighter leash. And tell them to keep their paws off of your phone.
*And don't forget Andrew and his manly sounding girlfriend...
...Just to name a few...
But seriously. What is this shit all about? I really don't get it at all. Either my guy friends are products of castration or they have the most jealous and insecure girlfriends in the world. All I know is this: "Alexis" is too much of a risk to be in any of their lives. So fuck them all. Sorry that your girlfriends are boring and you like hanging out with me better so much that it gets you in trouble. I hope that all of your lady partners are with you for the rest of your lives because when they are out of the picture, don't expect me to be back in it.
Well, I lost my motherfucking train of thought because some people can't not talk to me when I'm typing... Fuck my motherfucking life!
