The plight of being Pregnant

This isn't the hormones that are being continuously pumped into my system from this alien inside of me.  I don't know how other females go through pregnancies all piss and grinning like it's the best thing that could ever happen to them.  I'll be frankly honest.  Being pregnant is shit.  It's fucking up my weekends, killing my racquetball game and really screwing with my body.  And I don't know why (uhh... this didn't originate in my mind, so don't hold me accountable), but I keep having thoughts of the Charles Manson murders.  Day and night.  Ugh.  I don't know what to think anymore.

    

The real issue here though, is the discrimination.  I might as well have a fucking scarlet A tattooed to my bosom.  First of all, since I'm Hispanic, people see me and give me that 'Oh, Jesus; having another one, are we?' look.  It's clearly my first trial offspring (and I say that because if this kid doesn't work, then I'm sending it to China).  If it wasn't my first, then wouldn't they figure that I would have my other 8 children with me?  Secondly, and I guess that I can blame this on my amazing genes, but they think that I look younger than I am, so I'm given that 'sllllllllllut' look.  I'd get less of a reaction if I walked down the street with an enormous dildo hanging out of my pocket.

The only people who are over the moon about this impending doom include people who already have had their lives ruined by children and want to see the rest of the world suffer like them, homosexual males (I have no fucking clue why)...

and my lesbo friend who keeps telling me that this is going to be our love child.  It's insane.  Never have I even thought of doing her (cause I don't eat carpet), but she has professed over and over how she loves me.  What can I say?  I'm an international sensation.

I went for an interview the other day and everything was going great.  Want to know why?  Because I put on a pair of slacks that cut my stomach in half, creating the question of 'is she fat, losing weight, or did she just have a HUGE dinner?'  And to help out with my ever expanding stomach, I did my best to suck it in the entire interview.  Things were going so great that when it was over, I relaxed a bit and my stomach made a surprise guest appearance, MUCH to the dismay of the employer.  She was smiling as she said her thank yous and that is when her eyes panned down to the lump, her smile turned into a frown and she said 'goodbye'. 

I'm OBVIOUSLY willing to work if I'm going on interviews.  What makes these dickheads think that once I reclaim my stomach, that I won't want to work anymore?  I already told the father (SSL) that he has to stay at home with the kid until it either walks or talks.  And who wouldn't want to do that?  At first he was adamant about being the workaholic of the family.  But that was until he saw how stir crazy I get and how I'm able to ruin an entire (once happy) home fuelled purely on my bouts of cabin fever.  So now instead of fighting me into being happy homemaker, he lets me do almost whatever I want.  (He still hasn't got me my male prostitute from Cuba yet.)  And so...  I want to work.  I miss working.  It's not even because I have this inner need to contribute to society.  Please.  I do it because I love money.  If I could sell my shit (which I have done in the past) for a living, then I'd do nothing but that.

But like I said, this kid is fucking my game up.  And what I find to be most insulting is that people automatically think that it's a baby.  What if it were a tumor?  Does anyone watch 20/20 anymore?  Or what if I were a surrogate?  ....Yeah, I think that people would believe the whole tumor thing before they EVER swallowed the surrogate thing.  I'm pretty much screwed.  ...Well, getting screwed is what got me here in the first place, so I guess that I'm pretty much...  Uhhhhhh...  (What would be wretchedly horrible, yet could still convey how I feel?)  ...Ok.  Got it.  I'm pretty much ...pregnant.