Everyone has a fetish. Mine used to be picking my boogers and eating them. When that compulsion susbsided to just picking them and discarding them in a tissue, I moved on. My following preoccupation became my toenails. Even if it meant pinching major arteries to do so, I would contort myself in such positions, possibly cutting off the blood supply to my brain just to bite off my toenails. Forget using a nail clipper like normal human beings. Apparently, in my 12 year old mind, that invention was as useless as an electric cigarette. And since I brought that shit-brain invention up, What the hell are those things about? They have got to be some of the lamest inventions. ANYHOW, fetishes...
Once I discovered ciggs, I left my toenails alone and fixated my mouth around my new and improved lifeline. Newport 100's. Wellllll, I initially began with Black and Mild's, which led to Newport shorts, which led to Virginia Slims when people started to bum ciggys off of me. Since nobody younger than 65 smokes Viginia Slims, I soon realized that eventhough nobody bummed cigs off of me, I didn't even want to bum a cig off of myself. So, I went back to Newports, but then switched to cigars and then to Djarums because I wanted to quardinate my ensamble with their sleek, all black body. Once I started to wheeze and cough up blood on my way to high school, sometimes ensuing a vomit episode, I went back to Newports.
It wasn't until one day when I was hanging out with my best friend and some lesbo broad (who later raped my best friend's lesbian virginity from on top of a washer and dryer unit), that the les said to me "Alexis Alexis Alexis. Sexy lexy. You don't mind if I call you that, do you? (And as I open my mouth to object...) Didn't think so. Listen, sweety. Why the hell are you smoking shorts when you get your money's worth from longs?" At that moment, this manchick (she dressed like a boy) dropped a bitchslap of insight in my life. This entire time... I've been smoking shorts when I could have gotten more for my money?! I wanted to excuse myself from her leering eyes, go to the safety of my father's God fearing house and write to the company, demanding retribution. Instead of the sidebar of useless comentary stating that smoking while pregnant can harm the kid, the company should write something more useful. They should fire their entire design team. I think that the rest of the world would find it a TAD BIT more useful to know that purchasing 100's instead of regulars costs the same amount of money and gives them at least 3 extra puffs! I mean lets be honest. That type of information is a fuckload more appreciated than telling me about someone's unborn kid. Fuck the babies. I want to save money!
SADLY though... I had to give up that fetish as well. Unfortunately, my current ball and chain has made the
They say that pussy controls the world, which is true by all means. I understand the power of it and why shit is all fucked up in the world becase females in my generation don't realize what type of power they have. While I realize the power of my crotch, I'm also human and I'm totally lazy at training guys (lovers, if you will). And that is why I put my ciggys on the backburner for- NOT FOREVER, but ...for now??? I did it for dick. Slap me in the face, throw some ice cold water at me, pinch me for crying out loud. Dick?!? ...Yeah. Sadly enough, I was in the middle of a celebacy act that I brought upon myself. I just got into a phase where I didn't want to have sex. (Don't look at me funny!) When that phase was over, I had a one night stand with a friend that included a butt plug (on him) and throwing up (also from him) which left me wondering what the fuck I was doing with my life (and morals). I gave up sex for so long just to have that circus-like sex act? Jesus. So I went back to giving up sex again...
Then I met him.
This asshole had me come over his house one day. He knew what he was doing and stupid me was so caught up with something else that was going on in my life that I was not even paying attention to his trickery. I was at his house minding my own business and the next thing I know, it's been three hours later and we were still having sex. This complete JERK used sex AGAINST me! I didn't have to even train him over and over again. I told him what I liked and what I didn't like only ONCE and from that point on, he was like one of those show dogs. He had good form, amazing technique, and perfect execution. I was quite amused with this conundrum. I knew that it was either my cigs or this blush-worthy sex. He put it down soooooo well, that it put me to sleep right away. And I'd like to say that my slumber was just as amazing as the sex, but I ended up waking up in tears. I sat up in bed, wiped my eyes and relived my dream once more...
...I was laughing and running in a field all the while holding hands with a lifesized cigarette who was running next to me. We were having so much fun. Then the scene in my dream changed and we were sitting under a tree eating ice cream together and that is when my dream became a nightmare. My long time friend turnned to me and said: "I'm having so much fun with you, Alexis. But, you know what? It's almost time to say goodbye. The cigarette prices in new york are at an all time high of 12 dollars and his dick is free. I can't let you do this to yourself anymore". And that is when I cried out: "NOOOOO, Ciggy! I won't let you go! I'd move to Bejing just to smoke you at a cheaper price. Don't leave me! Let's work this out. I'll be better. I CAN BE BETTER FOR YOU!" But, the cigarette just shook it's head, got up and walked away. And it seemed like hours later I was still laying under that tree, kicking my feet and pounding my fists as the tears cascaded down my face. Life was unfair...
...My lover woke me up; I knew what I had to do, so I gathered my belongings, left his house and bought a pack of Newports. Just kidding. I gave into his AKC certified ding-a-ling and said "so long" to my best partner in the world. You know, most people say that when they sneak their secret vices behind their lover's backs, that they feel like they are cheating on their lover. Well, I'll be honest. Being with this amazing dick makes me feel like I'm cheating on my cigarettes. Each day of my cigarette free life, I have to look in the mirror and question if this is all worth it. Am I the ultimate sellout?
Ugh! So that's my love story. I was supposed to write about how my new fetish became sitting uncomfortably close to VERY fat men on the subway because I like how comfy and warm they feel, but I guess that THAT got placed on the backburner... You all know my crackheaded secret now. Now let me go cry my eyes out for the rest of the day...
