I don't want to brag or anything, but... Fuck it.
I have a pretty amazing crotch. Or at least, I
used to. One thing that nobody told me about pregnancy was that I would become ...dehydrated? Let me be real. I'm currently fucking housing the goddamn sahara desert in my pants. My crotch has dried up like an 86 year old's.
What the bloodclot? I'm currently going through this mystic quest and the only thing that can calm me down right now is some "good loving". Seriously. But who the hell wants to screw
sandpaper? (If I had a dick right now, I'd be internally crying.) I feel bad for SSL. Not only do I have to stop giving him shit for his strange affinity for BBW porn, but I have to kind of encourage it, just so his jank stays normal. I don't know how he does it. Say that I were a guy. Not only would I be a heart-throb, but I'd have a sex drive like a trucker. Moving on... Say that 'Alexis with a dick' knocked some broad up with her legendary dangalang. Then let's say that the broad dries up like I'm currently doing. 'Dangalang Alexis' would jump ship. I wouldn't have the fortitude to get through her dryspell.
What's ironic is that I used to mock the signs in California that posted warning of water shortages. Just to spite mother nature, I would let the faucet run the entire night while I was sleeping instead of listening to my Walmart sounscapes CD.
I would shower until my face pruned up and would flush the toilet every time I walked by the bathroom. At the time, I couldn't possibly fathom the concept of "no moisture". Now? I want to post those same signs on the crotch of my pants. What used to be a fucking Niagra Falls (I told you it was good) is now the result of having an irrrrresistable woman part. SSL couldn't get enough, he knocked me up, my hormones got the best of me and now the only thing that could calm me from a maniac's tantrum is the only thing that I am forbidden to do.
One thing that I refuse
refuse REFUSE to employ is lube. No way in hell will I trick SSL's dick into thinking that the crotch is back to normal. That's a heinous crime so many women commit without thought to the side effects it has on males.
It's like buying pastries from a bakery and passing them off as your own durring a soiree. What kind of nut would stoop to such a level of dishonesty? SSL gets the real crotch or no crotch at all. It's not even like SSL turns me off. I'm always attracted to him, but for some sick kind of revenge Mother Nature wants to play on me, I can't seem to get wet anymore. End of story. Who am I kidding? I'm going to die a reborn virgin. Shoot me. Take me out of my misery and fucking shoot me. It's already been almost a week without sex.
AN ENTIRE WEEK! How am I supposed to survive under these conditions?????
