Me being an immature eight year old stuck in a mature body was torn in two when Easter came around two years ago. I'm not a holiday person by ANY means, but I adore candy and I equally go manic over hide and seek games. And that is why while most families spent Easter in church praising Jesus, I was busy seeking out local Easter egg hunts to fulfill my sugar fix. Two years ago I was busy doing some shit in Harlem and saw posters at a park saying that there was going to be an Easter egg hunt. My body started to hyperventilate with excitement until I scanned down the poster and saw that the egg hunt was for twelve year olds and younger. At that point, my mind started replaying snippets from a great movie called Falling Down, staring Mr. Michael Douglas. If you haven't a clue as to what I'm referring to, then do yourself a favor and don't even rent the movie. Buy it and thank me later...
So I go up to my apartment with my shoulders dragging on the ground. I was the only person in the entire world brooding over impending holiday festivities. My life sucked. When my brother came home (we were roommates at the time), I told him about the bad news. Then, to make myself feel better, I started to make a carrot cake.
And that is when it hit me, right as I was cracking the eggs for the cake. If I couldn't partake in the egg hunt, then NOBODY would. Over my dead body would I watch as some giddy six year olds prance around and lazily pick up lousily hidden plastic eggs filled with candy. This was the plan that I disclosed to my brother. This was the first time since I spent the entire winter growing out my armpit hair that he looked at me with such disgust. My master plan...
*If I wasn't allowed to have fun with everyone, then I didn't want them to have fun either. I was going to go to the supermarket to purchase six-twelve dozen eggs and spend the night painting them. I would make them resemble official eggs that I made when I was "twelve and under". Then, I would bring them to the park early in the morning before the festivities started and hide them just like all of the other eggs. Red, Blue, Orange, Green, Yellow... The park would look like a cute non-homosexual rainbow. Once the last egg was hidden, I would go to the top of the park and wait...
Crowds would show up and the kids would file through the park like savages. Some would find and capture the eggs that the city had set for them. Others would find the eggs that I left them. And that is when all Hell would break loose. Why? Because I would absentmindedly
..."forget" to boil the eggs before I painted them or hid them.
*Am I the only person on the planet who thinks that this plan is hysterical?
